How many people here have got brothers? Sisters? I have the fortune or the misfortune (I’ve used both words at different times) to be part of quite a large family, the eldest in fact of five brothers, plus one little sister who is the youngest of any of us. Fortune? Well, we don’t live in each others’ pockets, but we do know where we belong, and we’re all of us there for each other when help is needed. I can think of a couple of times in my life when I’d have been sunk without my brothers and sister, and I’m pretty sure each and every one of them could say the same.
Misfortune? Oh well, you know what they say – you can choose your friends but you get what you’re given as regards family. We’re all very different. We don’t vote the same way, we don’t go out to the same places, we don’t necessarily agree on a whole range of stuff. And sometimes, just sometimes, a couple of us might have a real falling-out.
To be honest, I can’t remember too many of those – or at least, not since we were very young children. But it isn’t so much how often they happen, these arguments and spats, it’s what you do with them. And what happens when it doesn’t get sorted out. There’s someone I know quite well who hasn’t spoken to her sister in twenty years. I can’t comment on that, because I don’t know what caused the split and therefore I can’t begin to guess at why it’s never been resolved – except that I can say, with a fair degree of confidence, that I can’t imagine that happening within my own immediate family. To be frank, I just don’t think that any of us could keep it up.
The Gospel reading this morning is quite a tough one, about relationships and what we should do when they get thorny and difficult. Jesus speaks about what to do “if your brother sins against you”. Of course, we’re not just talking about blood brothers (or sisters) here: when I pray I call God “Our Father”, and to do that instantly turns everyone else who prays the same prayer into my brother and my sister. And every argument or disagreement between us into a family matter. And arguments will happen - so what should we do about them when they do?
This is important I think, because our faith is proved and witnessed to not in how we behave when things are going well and the world is bright and cheerful, but in how we behave when things are going wrong. Jesus knew that as well as anyone. Don’t you get the impression that that band of men he called to be his disciples could be a pretty argumentative bunch from time to time?
Anyway, here, based on this morning’s Gospel, are some clues as to how we, as disciples in our turn of the Lord Jesus Christ, can deal effectively with the problems and issues and slights that happen from time to time. Say you do something to me that miffs me and annoys me, or maybe gets me into trouble, and I think it’s wrong. What should I be doing about it?
Well, first of all I do need to do something, and not just let it lie. When you let things lie they fester. I could end up brooding about things in such a way that something that on its own probably shouldn’t be all that important starts to take over my life. And not only mine: unresolved issues lead to a toxic environment in which constructive working together becomes impossible.
And I need I think quite deliberately to put my complaint into words; sometimes that in itself can expose a grievance for what it often is, not so big and bad that it can’t be resolved. Otherwise I could get things out of balance, so that someone’s clumsy action or thoughtless word gets to feel like a personal attack.
But if I do feel wronged by someone, I guess it would be good to be able to talk things over, face to face. That might not be easy of course, so someone else may need to perform the service of preparing the way beforehand. I remember on one occasion inviting two people round who I knew needed to sort something out between them, preparing the way a bit with each of them, but then on the day just leaving them there together while I went to make a cup of coffee. I confess that I did wonder whether world war three might break out – but it didn’t.
I’m a great writer of letters of complaint (I do also write letters of praise and thanks, by the way, I’m not quite in the Victor Meldrew camp). But while letters of complaint can be very effective when written to companies and corporations, I don’t think they’re a good idea between individuals - not if what you want to do is to make friends again, anyway. I think positions can become entrenched and attitudes hardened when set down on paper – though sometimes a generous and apologetic card can work wonders.
Perhaps though nothing at this stage is working wonders, and the problem isn’t sorted. Jesus in this morning’s reading says that then we should take two or three witnesses along with us. If that sounds like escalating things, Jesus I think is reminding his disciples of the Jewish Law in Deuteronomy chapter 19, verse 15.
We read there that a charge of misdemeanour can’t be sustained on the evidence of one person; two or three further witnesses are required. Having said that, the witnesses aren’t there as a sort of legal heavy mob to make sure the charges are proved – I don’t think so, anyway. Extra people can defuse tension and enable reconciliation. So I’d not want to be taking along two or three barrack-room lawyers (or real ones for that matter) – not if I really want to set things right. Better to have with me two or three wise and kind and clear sighted people who maybe just by being there can help two people at odds really to listen to each other and find some common ground. Like ACAS when the management and the unions are at odds, or like the hard but honest friend who can say, “Do you really see what you’re doing here, not just to yourselves, but to the rest of us as well?”
For make no mistake, if left untreated and unresolved an issue between two people may very well end up poisoning the whole well. I can think of churches I’ve known that were turned into toxic places by things left unresolved, in one case by an event that happened more than thirty years before. A stranger coming into that church would quickly have felt uneasy there, and that there was something in the air. Not surprisingly, that church was in a very poor way.
So Jesus goes on to tell his disciples that if the matter can’t be sorted out face to face or with the help of others, then it becomes a matter for the whole fellowship. Some fallings-out end up with lawyers and in the courts, but what does that ever achieve? Legal proceedings may settle an issue, but they don’t restore unity; whereas a caring and prayerful Church, with Christian prayer, fellowship and love just might be able to bring people back together.
There’s a lot more I could be saying, but I’ll make just two more points before I close. The first is a scriptural comment. To properly understand this quite hard passage of scripture we need to see it in context. It immediately follows the story of the lost sheep. Remember? The ninety-nine are left, and the Good Shepherd goes to find the one that’s lost. This passage isn’t about dealing with trouble-makers but finding and restoring the lost, and keeping the whole flock together. It’s about staying family in difficult times. This is such an important point: Jesus isn’t instructing us in how to deal with a situation, but how to save a soul; and unless that’s what we want to do when we engage with a situation of hurt or breakdown in the church, we’re likely to fail, for we’re not seeing or acting with the mind of Christ.
And the last thing is very much from my own experience: none of us is perfect, and where I have an issue with someone else I need to look hard at myself as well as at the other chap. If I go in believing that all the fault’s on the other side and none rests with me I’m going to get things wrong. I can think of times when an unkind word or action directed against me was actually sparked by something I’d done or said without realising or understanding the hurt I’d caused. I can’t often stand easily on the moral high ground! I think that’s the saving grace in my own family, that stops our arguments becoming feuds and keeps us talking: we’re all pretty self-aware. And so we need to be as Christians – if we’re self-aware and Christ-aware, and seriously in the business of wanting souls to be saved, then God will be able to use us graciously, and we’ll be good at being his family. Amen.
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