Bad Dream

I had a really bad dream last night.  Like many such, it was a dream dreamt after my first waking-up, after I'd drifted off again for a bit of an extra snooze before getting up.  It was very precise and realistic, full of detail;  I was, I believe, in Mablethorpe for some reason, and, while I've no reason to believe that the town in my dreams resembled the Mablethorpe of the real world, a place I've only visited once in my life and then very briefly, and long ago, it was very convincing - a solid town in other words, not some strange shimmering dreamscape.

It was a very frightening dream, frightening within the dream itself, but scarier still when I awoke, since it took some time for my mind to convince itself that the events of the dream were not real. I had been accused of some appalling crimes, and as I stood accused I could not remember whether or not I had actually done any of that stuff, but knew I had no defence, no alibi or mitigation.  Effectively, my life was over; no-one, not even my closest friends, not even my family, would stand by me or speak up for me.  Indeed, I could not even speak up for myself.

To wake up in that frame of mind did not make for the easiest of starts to my day, to be honest (no surprise, I suppose). The moments before I realised that that was dream, this is reality and in the real world I am (reasonably) safe and secure, and indeed supported and loved - they really were quite scary, and they left me feeling jittery and insecure for the rest of the morning.

I am inclined to take dreams seriously - perhaps not in the sense of many of the dreams of scripture, which convey messages, sometimes in code and needing a Joseph or a Daniel for interpretation, and sometimes very clear and direct, but nonetheless the dream comes from somewhere, and I think that somewhere is somewhere within myself, not somewhere else seeking to communicate with me.  This means that understanding my dreams may help me to understand my deepest self, for I am sure that our hopes and our fears find expression in dreams. Dreams may find their themes in the things that are preying on our minds, but I guess that sometimes it's deeper than that, the fears that are affecting and afflicting us but have been pushed too far down for our conscious mind to really be aware.

I wonder exactly what motivated last night's dream?  I do not intend to try for an interpretation here and now, partly because it would take too long, and partly because I'm not sure that anyway it would be something I would be capable on my own of doing.  But I feel it would be wrong for me to dismiss it and try to forget it either.  I have some exploring to do, with my therapist to help me - not, though, so I can fall into line with what this or any dream may require of me (there's no reason why I should be in any way beholden to dreams), but so that I can discern the fears and fractures that have produced such a dream, and then begin to deal with them.

Self-possession and self-control depend on our self-awareness.  We were not made to be held in the grip of fears, and as John reminds all who have faith, "Perfect love casts out fear."  I'm glad to say that I have many more good dreams than bad ones, and few ever that disturb me as much as last night's. But to just turn away from it would, I think, mean that something within me that needs to be understood and dealt with is remaining untackled.