Poems

An interesting day today, beginning with a long overdue visit to the informal eucharist held once a month at our local Methodist church. I found it relaxing, friendly and quite moving, and it was followed by a simple breakfast before their main service, for which I also stayed. I was brought up to attend both church and chapel, and have continued to have a foot in both camps, while still feeling that the Anglican boat is the one I am called to fish from.

I will, however, give the local Methodist minister a ring sometime over the next week or three, and arrange to meet. She is aware of my situation, and we have had some good conversation in the past. I think at present that were I to make the move to join that church, a place in which Ann and I both feel very comfortable, it would be as a lay person, having resigned my orders to do so. At present I have laid my orders to one side, but have not felt able to formally resign them. When I have tried to do so, or at least to think and plan towards such a move, I seem to feel God saying to me, "No, you are a priest."

I am in fact something of an accidental priest. I would have been happy to have been told, all those years ago, that I was not recommended for training. The pressure would have been off me, and I could have just got on with life. In one sense, I should be happy now then, perhaps - but instead there's a sense of a space that needs to be filled, and a place I need to be, for all that my life is busy enough, for all that I don't feel any urge to stand again at the altar. Stuff to work through, then. I don't know what God wants of me, but I know he wants something.

Here's the thing, I suppose. I feel that God has forgiven me, accepts me, wants me and has things for me to do; the Church, however, continued to be quite hung up about it all. Anyway, this evening, in an Anglican church, I conducted the male voice choir I sing with at a harvest concert, and was reminded once again, if I had needed to be, that music is the stuff that makes sense of it all. I was rather afraid - I don't very often conduct, am third choice, if that, but a few notes in I was really enjoying myself. And I think it went well.

I read some comic poems as well. I must buckle down to write some more, and serious poetry too. I did spend some time today on a more serious piece of verse, and almost posted it here - but I think it needs more work yet. When I was at my lowest, poetry poured out of me, and it helped, it really did. The fact that I'm not writing as easily now is therefore probably a positive rather than a negative (a sign that I'm too sorted and stable to have much to say), but still, I'd like to be able to do it.