Looking again at the Gospel reading we’ve just heard, clearly there were problems and difficulties and fallings out in the church even in its very earliest days, even when the Gospels were first being written. We know that anyway, because there are a number of examples in the Acts of the Apostles, and Paul wrote several of his letters to address issues and quarrels in the churches he had founded. And we shouldn’t be surprised that even prayerful holy people fall out. We’re still human, after all.
I have the fortune or the misfortune (I’ve used both words at different times) to be part of quite a large family. I am in fact the eldest of six, five boys, one girl. We don’t live in each others’ pockets, but we know where we belong, and we’re all ready to be there for each other when help is needed. I can think of a couple of times in my life when I’d have been sunk without my brothers and sister, and I guess each one of us could say the same.
So that’s the fortune side of things, but what about the misfortune? Well, as they say, you can choose your friends but for family you get what you’re given. We’re all different people: we don’t vote the same way, we don’t go out to the same places, there are lots of things we don’t agree on. So just now and then, that might mean a couple of us have a proper falling-out.
I really don’t remember many of those, not since we were very young anyway. But when they do happen, the vital thing is what happens next, what we do about it. I know someone quite well who hasn’t spoken to her sister in twenty years; and while I can’t comment on that, as I’ve no idea what caused it, I really can’t imagine that ever happening in my own family. If we even tried not to speak, I doubt we’d manage to keep it up for very long.
But let’s turn to this morning’s Gospel reading. It’s fairly tough, focusing on what to do when relationships go wrong, if, as Jesus says, “your brother sins against you”. This isn’t just actual brothers or sisters within a family. As Christians we call God “Our Father”, and that immediately turns everyone else who prays the same prayer into my brother or my sister. So in church every argument or disagreement is a family matter - and nice though we are, they will happen, so what do we do?
The proof of our faith is found not in how we behave when it’s all going terribly well, but in how we behave when things go wrong. Jesus knew that as well as anyone, and he had to cope with a few disagreements among his own disciples.
So what about us as present-day disciples? How do we deal with the problems and issues and slights that happen among us? The first thing to say is that I do need to do something if things are going wrong: just to let it lie is not an option. Things are likely to fester, after all. I know that when I get hurt by someone or by something said I can end up brooding about it in such a way that something that probably ought to be quickly sorted and pout to one side instead threatens to take me over. That’s obviously no good. Unresolved issues lead to a toxic environment in which everyone suffers.
Secondly I find it’s always good to put any complaint I have into words; one thing that often happens then is that this big bad things becomes a lot smaller, and more easily resolved. It helps me not to get things out of balance: what may have felt like a personal attack might just be someone’s clumsiness or thoughtlessness, and not malicious or targeted at all.
But if in the end I do feel wronged, talking things over face to face would be good if it can be done. It’s not always easy. It might need someone else to prepare the way beforehand. A friend once did that for me. Neither I not the other person would have taken the first step - so he set us up.
In fact on that occasion it didn’t work too well. But at least we tried, and I think it did begin a process that sort of began to work eventually. So another thing there, about not giving up when it doesn’t work straight away.
But what if nothing is working, and the problem won’t go away? In this morning’s Gospel Jesus says that we should then take two or three witnesses along with us. That could sound like escalating things, but I think Jesus was carefully reminding his disciples of the Jewish Law in Deuteronomy 19, verse 15.
For we read there that a charge of misdemeanour can’t be sustained on the evidence of one person; you have to have two or three further witnesses. Those witnesses aren’t there though as a sort of legal heavy mob to make sure the charges stick, so much as to help clarify things, maybe defuse tension and help reconciliation to happen. To have a band of barrack-room lawyers (or even real ones) probably wouldn’t help. But two or three wise and clear sighted folk might help a lot, if what we want is to help two people at odds to start listening to each other and finding common ground. The Biblical equivalent to the arbitration service ACAS in a union dispute - or perhaps just the honest friend who says, “Have you really had a look at yourself?”
An issue between two people can end up poisoning the whole well if it’s not sorted out. I remember one church I used to know that became utterly toxic by an argument that had happened over thirty years before, and that could and should have been sorted out then. Any stranger coming into that church would have felt uneasy straightaway; there was always something in the air. So Jesus goes on to say that if a matter can’t be sorted out face to face or with the help of others, then it becomes a matter for the whole fellowship.
The last resort is perhaps the court of law, and that’s when some fallings-out end up, but when they do my heart always sinks. A legal pronouncement might settle the issue, but it’s unlikely to restore unity. But a caring and prayerful Church, with patient and loving prayer and fellowship just might be able to bring people back together.
I could say more, but I’ll restrict myself to just two more points. The first is a comment on the scripture itself this morning. The context of this passage of scripture is that it comes immediately after the story of the lost sheep. That story tells of the ninety-nine that are left, while the Good Shepherd goes to find the one that’s lost. In context, today’s reading isn’t about how to deal with trouble-makers, it’s about how to find and restore the lost, it’s about how to keep the flock together. It’s about staying together as family through difficult times. This is so important point, I think: Jesus isn’t intending to teach us how to manage a situation, he’s talking about how to save a soul. Unless that’s our aim too when were faced with a situation of hurt or breakdown in the church, we’re probably going to fail. We need to address the issue according to the mind of Christ.
And lastly, and very much from my own experience: we’re none of us perfect, so if I have an issue with someone else I need to look hard at myself as well. I’ll get it wrong if I insist that all the fault’s on the other side and none of it’s on mine. I can recall times when a word or action that hurt me had really been sparked by something I’d done or said without realising or intending the hurt I’d caused. Thinking about it, that’s probably why in my own family our arguments don’t become feuds. We’re pretty self-aware, and we tend to keep on talking. We need to as Christians too: and to be both self-aware and Christ-aware, and seriously in the business of wanting souls to be saved. Then God will be able to use us graciously, and we’ll be good at being his family. Amen.
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